Why am I always in a cr*p mood?

Hi. I just turned 18 years old, I'm in the US Army, and I have a question.



It's posted in my title, but here are a few details.



I'll go to the schoolhouse (I'm in AIT training to be a wheeled vehicle mechanic) and have a relatively good day, no one acts like... hmmm, how to say this without cursing? A hypocritical, immature, disrespectful little bastard.



Maybe I'm just a softskin. I was brought up in a very respectful household, no one spoke to each other in the way people speak to me. That I can deal with.



The big problem is, when I screw up (and everyone does), I catch hell for it for weeks afterward. Everyone else gets it for a day or two, because everyone likes them. Not many like me, so I get it for a long time. Also, I get singled out a lot for things. Obviously there's no excuse, but if I'm doing something wrong, and most of the class is doing the same thing, but you only yell at me for it? Something doesn't make sense there. What makes me laugh is when they tell me to stop talking in formation, and then continue their own conversation in formation. (If you couldn't tell already, we're not very disciplined.) Then someone will give me s*** for something I did, and it's long over with. I've not gotten in any fistfights (yet) because I don't want the Article 15. But I've actually gone to swing and stopped myself. It eats at me, and it makes me depressed to go back to the barracks knowing I can't do anything about what's happening. I let myself be walked on through my schooling, and I refuse to let it happen anymore.



Back to the original reason I asked this question:



Why, when I have a good day and no one gives me crap for anything, do I go back to the barracks and feel depressed? I don't walk to talk to anyone, and I tend to snap at people if they talk to me. I don't like it, because my disposition is generally happy-go-lucky and bouncy. I hate snapping at people, I feel bad afterwards.



Why can't I let what people say go? I put up an image like I don't care what they say, but inside it eats at me. Why do I get in a bad mood for no reason at all? Sometimes it even changes at the schoolhouse. All of a sudden I go from bouncy to dark. That's the only way I can begin to explain it. I feel dark. It's not just a mood change. It's a change of personality. All of a sudden I just want to take a pistol and blow a hole in my head. People speak to me and I am downright nasty for no reason, and I hate it. I made names for them. I've written poems about it, and I found I write poems a lot when I'm depressed, never when I'm happy. The entire mentality I have and the depression I feel at that point is called the night, and the personality's name is Shadow.



I was diagnosed with bipolarity about a year ago, but I went back to the same psychiatrist later and the new statement was ';No symptoms, no diagnosis.'; I have ADD, which gets aggravated in high stress situations (Such as the Army), and I have a history of depression. I had a gun to my head in sophomore year, loaded and ready.



The summary of it now is I go from happy to dark in a matter of seconds, sometimes for no reason at all.



Bipolarity?

Or just soft skin?Why am I always in a cr*p mood?
may be u r in this mood because u are not satisfied with your life. u need to know what u want from life. set up goals targets and work hard to achieve them.. and every body loves u... dont be negative...xoxo..